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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sex Toy Review #2

Velvet Thrust (by Melyssa) - To start out this review, I watched it at the computer without my husband. He was in the room next door watching something else, but I informed him, if it was anything good, I would "let him know." Nudge nudge, wink wink. I decided I could do a fairer review, if left on my own. So with pencil and paper in hand, I started the movie. Right from the start, I could tell that this was probably not going to be my type of porn. First of all, it tried to have a plot and an innane one at that. It centers around this really "hoppin'" night club called Velvet Thrust. The owner and the rest of the male clientel are supposedly the hottest men in the city and they want to get it on!

The first scene is the man in the shower scene. This is when I noticed my official new mega turn-off...a man with a landing strip. It is my belief that men, like women, should keep the pubic area nicely trimmed, as we all can all appreciate the gesture when going south on your partner. But a landing strip should be one of those things that only females can do, like giving birth. The one honarable mention I will give is that his partner had a lovely natural looking body and a clit ring. I think I may have pointed that out to my husband as we were laughing about the guy's pube issue.

The next scene was one of those scenes to attempt a plot. The ladies were at Thrust and checking out the men and the action. I feel it was probably a waste of money just to get to the sex. One might think that I hate plots in porn, but that is not the case. If it's somewhat creative or artistically interesting or really really bad (but in a good way), then I do enjoy a plot. This one was just boring.

The next few scenes were pretty much just as exciting as the first one, if only with a few twists. One was on a roof with a couple and another woman by herself. The man had trouble keeping it up at times. It made me wonder if he was gay and just doing this to pay off a habit. It also made me appreciate more the "grower" as opposed to the "shower" because then at least, you would know he was into you, for real. And as much as I laughed at the landing strip guy, I was more appalled at the "no pubic hair at all" guys, which were all the rest of them.

The last scene worth mentioning is the car scene. It started out promising, even though they were clearly on a set, in a car, with barrels burning in the background. Whatever. The guy wasn't bad looking, in spite of my pubes issue. And he put a condom on, which was clearly ribbed for her pleasure. Safe sex=good. However, the scene was really a mutual masturbation scene, so I'm guessing the ribbed was for HIS pleasure? Either way, it was the best scene in the movie. At least it was different than the rest of the film, which was really just soft core porn only with penetration and pussies.

The claim of the producers of this movie, is that this is a pornographic film for women who love and enjoy men. But I really don't know any women personally that would have been into these men. They look like young, young men that were fooled into believing a male ideal that I think barely exists. An idea that women want men with no hair on their bodies, no pubes and tramp stamps. I felt slightly insulted at this notion of "male beauty" at the hands of the porn industry. And I felt embarrassed for the male actors.

In conclusion, this video did not cater to the type of porn that my husband and I enjoy watching together. It's what I would call "vanilla porn" and I did not get the one that's all natural with vanilla bean. This was the artificial flavoring kind. But if you are gay and want to see straight porn, just for fun, this one might appeal to you, as the male actors looked more the "gay for pay" type. Or if you want to spice up your sex life and your lady has never seen a pornographic film before, this would seem a safe bet.

Blossom Sleeve (by Dave) - The box calls my little friend the Succulent Blossom, but on Babeland.com you’ll find it known as the Blossom Sleeve.  It’s called this because of the “pretty bloom at the entrance” that the box calls “teasing petals”.  If by teasing, you mean having sloppy, drunk sex, then I guess the Blossom Sleeve is your thing. 

Mine was a teal-colored sleeve made of TPR Plastic, also known as Thermoplastic Elastomer.  It was rubbery.  When we broke it out on the show a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t see how I was going to get little Dave into the hole I was left with, but it was pretty darn stretchy.  And that may be the problem with the Blossom Sleeve.  There really wasn’t much sensation that was caused by the sleeve.  I really thought of it as if you went out drinking and hooked up.  You didn’t drink so much that you couldn’t get it up, but you drank too much that you really didn’t feel anything.  And if that’s the case, I’d at least like some boobies to play with. 

Oh, and another thing.  Maybe it was the lube I was using (Maximus), but the Blossom Sleeve and lube make for a comic combination.  As we’ve talked about on the show, I’m averagely endowed and this thing went flying off little Dave a couple of times.  And you know what they say, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.  Try explaining THAT to the optimologist.  “Hey Doc…have you ever had really drunk sex?”  There’s some potential for an airborne Blossom Sleeve.

In these difficult economic times, I just can’t recommend you spending your money on the Blossom Sleeve. 

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