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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sex Toy Review #1

Date Night and a Dildo

When Stuart said the dildo was in the mail, I was super excited and promptly waited by the mailbox for days, frightening the mailman into racing to and from the mailbox as fast as he can. Finally after what felt like an eternity, the dildo arrived! My very own Spine Tingler was here! I decided the best option was to put it carefully on my girlfriend’s pillow and wait for her to get home, a long wait when you have a new toy. Her reaction was absolutely worth it, however, as she came racing back downstairs and announced we were having Date Night!

Unfortunately, our enthusiam led us to rousing, long sex and we forgot about the dildo all together. Whoops. It sat, forlorn on our bedside counter, forsaken in its purple glory.

We did get around to a second chance the next night, swearing earnestly that we would make sure to include our new friend in the fun! This we managed, and let me tell you it was so worth it. Now, even though I AM a lesbian, somehow I have made it this far in my sexual career without ever fucking with a dildo…. Don’t ask how this is, I don’t know. So, it was with trepidation that I chose a dildo to review first, but I figured I should just jump in and get wet….. so to speak. I picked the Spine Tingler because it was on the small end but seemed to have a shape that would lead to fun. Thank you, dildo gods, cause it was super hot sex. Just the right size and shape, this toy was the perfect starter size. We enjoyed the hell out of that little toy and since it is waterproof we have big hot-tub plans for it next week on vacation. -Keziah

At first I wasn’t sure how to review this…straight guy reviewing lesbian porn. After thinking about it way too much, I just decided to do it not as a straight guy, but as me…well, yeah, a straight guy who’s interested in more than the average corporate porn. So… Champion. Quick background: Champion was directed by Shine Louise Houston of Superfreak (good porn) and Crash Pad fame. Champion won Movie of the Year at the 2009 Feminist Porn Awards. The movie stars Syd Blakovich, Jiz Lee, Dylan Rion, Dallas & Madison Young.

Warning! There is plot. Yep, plot. Syd’s character is an ultimate fighter along with Dallas, her nemesis. Syd’s a bit dysfunctional, but goes around down in good dyke-fashion, banging everything that moves, while drinking whiskey from the bottle. She does, Jiz Lee, & Madison Young, Jiz Lee & Dallas in that order. Her fight with Dallas is coming up and she’s being told to take a dive or else she’d be outed as a gay. I would have gone with a different reason for making her take a dive. No one really cares if an ultimate fighter is a lesbian…it’s not like she was trying to be…a nanny or something.

The sex scenes are hot, but not for the “normal” porn reasons. There are no gay-for-pay looking chicks here with big hair and long fingernails who almost look like they’re interested. These actors are pretty dykey. So fellas…and ladies, if you’re looking for some beach bimbo to fake moan, you’re not going to get it here. There are strap-ons, tattoos, a few piercings (though not many, thank you), the occasional hairy leg and a serious transvestite. It’s not your father’s porn, get it? But everyone in the movie seems to really be enjoying the sex, and to me, that’s what porn should be about.

Hot sex: I like Jiz Lee, Dallas and Dylan Rion. I would pay to watch & Madison Young read a newspaper…an old newspaper. Syd Blakovich is good for the lead role and was an able…uh…cocksperson, but she didn’t give my brand new pants a brand new happy fit. Vanilla porn fiends, this isn’t for you. People who like to see…uh…alt-sex, go to town on Champion.

Oh…I can’t in good conscience do this review without mentioning this...I appriciate that this wasn’t the biggest budgeted movie in the world. I actually dug the camera work. There were a lot of hot, close-up shots without being gynocological. But the music, especially during the second Syd / Jiz encounter. No, no, no! It was solo percussion that sounded like a community college African dance troup. It wasn’t hot, it didn’t bring drama. It actually pissed me off, it was so bad. It overwhelmed what would have been a really good scene. Straight Guy, out. -Dave

For my first adult toy review I wanted to write a scream inducing orgasm of tale. A tale that would produce within me the "creative juices" that would rock my readers and listeners worlds. This is not that tale. The Betty Jo, even upon first looking at it, looked like something you might hook up a small battery to, like one of those kid’s Jeeps that go less than 3 miles an hour. But the rabbit looking tip that was to bring me to clitoral ecstacy seemed promising. The good expectations ended there once we got it on, after much lube. That was a must, as was written on the packaging. The first thing I noticed, is that is was hard to keep it in place. We tried varying positions, but most didn't work well. I think we finally decided that the woman on top in a seating position was best, but it still wasn't rocking our worlds. The other issue is that the cock ring part was rather large. Full on vaginal penetration was not going to happen with this apparatus. The point of a cock ring is to be under the balls, to get the most of your member out there. This wasn't going to do that without breaking or being painful, in a bad way. The point, I thought of this toy, was to enjoy a "hands free" experience so you could possibly touch other naughty bits on yourself or partner. With all the work it took to try to figure it out, we ended taking it off and enjoying ourselves without it. The good news is, we used rechargeable batteries, so we can save them for the next review.
- Melyssa

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